My Writing

Thursday, May 30, 2013

Guilty Girl

I can tell when I've done something wrong by the look on his face.  And when I see that look, something inside me drops.  It's like that feeling you get when you've almost fallen asleep, and you feel like you're falling, and you jump awake...yes...the feeling directly after that...the dulled panic and deep, body shaking heartbeats.

It's not the little transgressions...the ones that almost make me smile in playful defiance...the things I'm not really sorry about...the spankings and punishments I look forward to as a sort of play-time/foreplay.

No...those times are the times when I look at his dominance as something delicious to be eaten up greedily - lip-licking decadence.

I'm talking about the real screw-ups.  The ones where I know I've disappointed him.  The times when I know the punishment really is punishment meant to correct my behavior and ensure that I don't forget to "do the right thing" next time.

He doesn't do it with anger.  He does it with resignation...knowing he must - for his sake and mine - for our joined benefit and happiness.

So what did I do?  Well, I forgot my 5 minutes of meditation.

Daddy requires that I stop, at some point in the middle of my day...when we are apart...and revel in thoughts of him and of ponder...and then text or call him when I am through.

For him, it's a way for us to connect when we are apart - a way for me to prove that I'm thinking about him...that I want him...that I need him.

And yesterday...I forgot.

No excuses (though I tried to come up with one yesterday).  And I knew there'd be a consequence, which of course there was.

Daddy sent me to wash my face and present on the bed, waiting for him to come to the bedroom.  When he got there, he asked me, "What's worse...the feather or the hand?" I laughed because I didn't have a clue what he meant.  He smacked me on the ass, hard, and repeated the question.  I stopped laughing and answered, "The feather."  He told me to count to five and, as he swatted me, I did just that...and  I wondered if that was all I was to endure, which of course it wasn't.

"What's worse...the flogger or the riding crop?"

"The riding crop..."  ( that's where this was going....)

Flogger:  1...2...3...4...5...

"What's worse...the riding crop or my hand?"

"Your hand..."

Hand:  1...2...3...4...5... (yah...those ones hurt...)

"What's worse...the riding crop or the spoon?

"The spoon..."

Crop:  1...2...3...4...5... (ummm...yes...I winced...)

And then...

The Spoon:  1...2...3...4...5... (close to tears on this one...)

Afterward, he rubbed away the pain as he told me why it was so important that I never forget again, and he graciously let me write the transgression and punishment in my discipline log before I had the chance to forget (and therefore earn myself another punishment).  I'm a very forgetful woman, and the majority of my fuck-ups have something to do with not paying attention or letting something important slip my mind.

Needless to say, I DID NOT forget to do my 5 minutes today.  And instead of a punishment, I was greeted with two of my favorite words sent via text...

"Good girl."

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Sexualized youth...

This week's Wicked Wednesday prompt (above) got me thinking about the concepts/labels we use to define ourselves and how those labels guide our behavior just as much as our behavior earns us those labels...especially when it comes to young people (mostly because when I hear the word in the prompt, I see a pursed-lipped old lady telling a buxom young woman to avoid promiscuous behavior and guard her virtue with her life because "no man will buy the cow when he can have the milk for free").

I remember a time not so long ago ( was more than 20 years ago...but who's counting?)...when I was in junior high - there was this girl - her name was Erin:  bleach blond, over-processed hair, boobs no 13-year-old girl should be allowed to have, giant blue eyes ringed by too much black eye-liner and mascara, skin-tight frosted jeans, and high-heels she borrowed from her mom's closet.  But,'s the thing.  I still remember her.  I can hardly remember my own friends from that long ago...but I can remember her in crisp (creepy?) detail.  Why is that?  Well, because she was "that girl" know the one...

Only now...that "one" has a whole damned posse in pretty much every local (even elementary) school.  It used to be that openly promiscuous young girls were few(er) in number.  And they used to be sort of ostracized.  Talked about.  Shunned by most of the other girls.  Disrespected by most of the boys...who still had no problem taking advantage of their indiscriminate sexual appetites and painfully obvious lack of self-esteem.

How have we gone from having that one well-known girl to having a large portion of a generation of young girls who have been overtly sexualized from birth (seriously...bikinis and leopard print might be cute on little girls, but we must be aware of the message we send when we dress them in provocative clothing at young ages).  There have been so many stories over the past several years about marketing sex to and with young girls...thongs and push up bras for the under-10 crowd..."sexy" child-stars and beauty pageants for tiny tots...reality TV (when did pregnant teenagers become entertaining role models for today's youth?).

Maybe I'm biased.  Maybe I see things from a prudish stance.  Maybe I shouldn't be shocked by the little 2nd grader I saw in my son's music recital who showed up in a strapless, zebra print dress with knee-high faux leather boots.  Maybe that's cute in someone's world.

But, I'm of the mind that we should protect our childrens' innocence for as long as we can.  That doesn't mean protect their ignorance, of course.  In fact, we almost have to teach them more about the world (and sex) at a younger age just to protect them from the increasing amount of danger that surrounds them.

I never had the internet (although I did have my dad's Playboy's under the bathroom towels).  Now, kids have a dizzying array of truthful and not-so-truthful information at their fingertips on the internet.  They text, they sext, they send naked pictures back and forth.  Girls suck cocks to get boys to do their homework for them.  They "hook up" and seem to have no real perception of how dangerous what they are doing is.  Hell, a lot of them don't even think "oral sex" is "real sex" and that they can't get the same diseases if they avoid genital penetration.

And somewhere along the way, love and romance seem to be getting stamped out of existence.  Sex is sex.  Animal.  Base.  Relationships are superficial...virtual...fleeting. Marriage is now like dating.  The majority of young people in the West tout divorced parents and never see what committed relationships look like.  Couples have a fight...fill out the necessary paper work...and move on to the next new thing.  Everything is easy.  Nothing is hard.  Nothing is worthy of commitment or respect.

Okay...I'm being crabby and cynical - and I'm stereotyping.  And honestly, I'm around enough young people to know that they aren't all like this.  But, an astounding number of them are.  And even the "good ones" are dabbling in shit I wouldn't have even considered or been aware of when I was young.  I will admit that I've read a few refreshing articles that have happily proven my fears wrong (though I don't know how deeply I believe them):

Generation Scold (Slate)
The Myth of Rampant Teenage Promiscuity (NY Times)

And several more, like this one, that support my concerns:
Girls and the Early Sexualization Phenonmenon
Sexpot Virgins

I will this all affect them when they are older?  How will it color their relationships?  As our culture continues to propagate images and expectations to our youth, how will their behavior and acceptance (or denial) of those images and expectations then change our culture?

In closing...

What Motivates Sexual Promiscuity (Psychology Today) - This article (and it's related links) is highly interesting.  And it gets at a point I'd like to end on.  While this post has targeted promiscuity in youth (which I think many of us can agree is something to be avoided), I am not about to begin judging consenting adults.  Any adult who freely engages in any consensual sexual activity with any other adult should not be labeled "promiscuous" or any other of a laundry list of negative terms we seem to love to throw on people who don't follow society's conservative expectations (no matter how hypocritical they might be).  I am mainly concerned that we raise our youth to be intelligent and safe about sex and love and provide them with the knowledge they will later need to navigate the tumultuous and murky (though often fun) world of sexuality...with their mental and physical health and emotional stability in tact.

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Sensual Blogger Award

Pervertically Virtuous has nominated me for the "Sensual Blogger Award":

I'm honored, of course...I always blush a bit when someone hands me a compliment.  But, I found this one unexpected...not because I don't think my writing is sensual...but because I had no idea who P.V. was until now.  I'm excited to find out I have a new reader and flattered to be noticed by someone "unknown"to me.

It intrigued me enough that I've been inspired to do something similar.

Now, I know - these things can be a bit "chain-mail"-ish and not everyone is "in to" these sort of "awards".  More than anything, I think these awards are more about encouraging and noticing the work of other bloggers (and linking to them so the whole world can enjoy them as much as you do) than they are about actually "awarding" anyone anything.  I guess it's nice to put a bit of "flair" on your show you've been "found" and appreciated in some regard.

I will certainly add this one to my blogger "credentials".  But, I'm going to change things up a bit before I send it out to anyone else.

Here are the rules as they were stated to me:
  1. Thank the blogger who nominated AWARDED you with a link back to their blog blogpost where they nominated you (so they get a pingback). Thank you PERVERTICALLY VIRTUOUS - for awarding me and for bringing my attention to your own wonderfully naughty blog.  I have hours of reading ahead of me to get to know you better.
  2. Copy and paste this fine award on your blog. Will do!
  3. Answer 7 “sensual” questions posed by the blogger who awarded you this fine award. See below.
  4. Create or borrow 7 “sensual” questions for the bloggers you award this fine award to answer. 
  5. Select 7 “sensual” bloggers to award this fine award to, AND LET THEM KNOW YOU’VE AWARDED THEM.
  1. Everyone has a scent that takes them back to a fond moment, what is your scent and the moment? I don't really have any particularly "sexy" moments based on I guess I just have to go with the types of smells that bring me the shampoo my mom wore when I was a kid...or the scent of baking bread in the kitchen with my grandmother.
  2. One piece of sensuous advice that you would give to anyone? The way you smell attention to it.  Your hair, your hands, your breath, your skin....  It doesn't have to be perfume or cologne, and it doesn't need to be strong (quite the opposite actually...I'd rather find myself hunting you down in a crowd to find out what that alluring fragrance is rather than being inundated by it and overwhelmed).  
  3. What do you do to initiate something sensual/sexual? Well, sensual and sexual are not synonymous, so my answer would be different for each one. To initiate a sensual activity?  It would have to be one of two things:  1)  choose one particular sense to focus on, such as blindfolding someone so they can focus on touch or taste or sound or 2)  completely swarm someone in as many senses as possible - make them dizzy with smells, sights, textures, sounds, and tastes....make a night of it.
  4. Is sensuality a male or female trait? (discuss!) I truly believe it is a human trait - not just male or female.  I've known some highly sensual men - chefs/cooks, wine enthusiasts, pipe smokers, musicians, well as sensual women.  A great read, for those interested in the subject, is Diane Ackerman's A Natural History of the Senses.
  5. Name the one thing you’ve done that you’ve said you’d never do?  I'm learning to not say "I'd never..." because I've found it's a great way to contradict myself and it somehow leads me right into the activity I said I'd never do.  I said I'd never call Mr. LL Daddy.  I said I'd never like spankings.  I said I'd never enjoy anal.
  6. You learn that your partner has a lover and they’ve brought their lover home to meet you – and it’s your lover; what do you say or do? Well, this would "never" (ha ha) happen.  Having just gone through the whole "I can't handle you having a lover" business and knowing how little I want to have one of my's highly unlikely.  Although I will admit that Daddy and I have very similar taste in women - most of the time.  Men?  Well...maybe?  But either way, neither of us would ever have a lover that the other didn't know about well before we brought them home.  We don'tdo business that way in the LL household.
  7. If you could go back and reinvent your sex life, would you? Nope.  Everything I have done has been for a reason. No regrets. Just the right amount of kink...with plenty left to try before I die.
So here are my award suggestions...and as I wrote above...I've been inspired by P.V. to nominate/award blogs that are NEW/newer to me...blogs I might not even have on my blogroll.  So, it'll come as a lovely and welcome surprise to them, just as it did to me:

1.  Monks' Press (priorly Hunger in the Library)

And here are my questions for you 7 lovely writers...
1)  Which of the 5 senses is your most prized?  The one you could not do without.  Explain.
2)  Describe your most sensual encounter.
3)  Which sense turns you on the most?  Explain.
4)  Do you find yourself to be more sensual or sexual?
5)  Describe the most sensual kiss you've ever experienced.
6)  What perfume/cologne do you wear on a regular basis?
7)  Is there a part of your body you can't handle having touched?  A part you especially love having touched?

Alrighty nominees will be "warned" of their award within the week!  Looking forward to your answers...I'd love it if you could cut and paste them into the comments below as well as answer them on your own sites when you nominate your own favorite sensual bloggers.

If any of you (my readers) have a favorite sensual blog, please share the link in the comments.  I'm always looking to freshen up my blogroll with new reading material.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

The Discipline Log

I've been meaning to share this for some time.  Daddy has me keep a discipline track my transgressions and how each was addressed.  It's a visual reminder that can be reviewed as necessary.

I forgot to write something in my discipline log one evening, after receiving several cracks across my ass (seriously, I never did write it down, so I still don't remember what it was).  The next day when Daddy asked if I remembered why I had been punished, I couldn't remember.  When he asked if I wrote it down, I looked down at my hands in my lap, knowing full well what was coming.

He told me to go to the bedroom.

Waiting there, was the log.  He asked me to open it and write, "I will not forget to write down my punishments" ten times.

As you can see...I did so...while being punished for not having done so when I was supposed to.

Obviously, I have a bit of trouble writing when my ass is being smacked repeatedly.

And then came the fucking.  The very vigorous thrusting.  And my writing went to complete shit.


He sits back and surveys me from behind:
ass high in the air as has been requested,
face buried in the crumpled pillow,
breasts pressed into the mattress,
stomach lying in the mess I have made,
enduring his inspection.
The wet spot is cold beneath me
and sticking to my flesh.
He takes his time tracing my folds,
flicks my clit, and slides his fingers in,
using my own cum to prepare me.
He pushes into me, bending my back,
and touching a place inside me
only he can reach...the place that releases
everything within, leaving a damp
reminder of his power.

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Conquer Me (book review)

Conquer Me: Girl to Girl Wisdom about Fulfilling Your Submissive Desires by Kacie Cunningham was quite a satisfying read for me.  I learned a few things, but mostly had things I already knew reaffirmed and validated.

Cunningham begins her book, naturally and predictably, by dealing with terminology and labels, so this book is perfectly suited to someone new to D/s and/or BDSM.  Each chapter that follows focuses on a particular aspect of D/s in which Cunningham shares her revelations, experiences, and perceptions of the role of submissives and dominants, emphasizing how our roles are not only learned but are really a natural part of our make-up...characteristics that we cannot deny and still live truthfully to ourselves.  Submission, she points out, is a part of a person's nature...or it isn't.  And if it is, and a person chooses to shape, mold, and perfect it, then it's going to take work and commitment - by both the submissive AND the dominant, as they are equal parties in the relationship and hold the same responsibility to make it successful.  Even though it may appear that it's all about the dominant, according to Cunningham, " is really all about the journey together, with the Master at the helm guiding and leading...." and the needs of one should not be met at the expense of the other's.  "[W]hile I am his girl, and not equal to him in terms of authority, I am just as much his partner in our relationship, with equal responsibility to it."  I agree with her when she says, "It is also crucial to remember that it is in no way un-submissive to have expectations of your master...." and that submissives should be direct and honest about her needs and wants and be open to those of her dominant.

I appreciate her focus on choice.  Just because people accept their submission does not make them weak.  They choose to give control to a dominant.  They have the power to negotiate, and they most certainly have the right to expect that they have their needs met, just as a dominant has the same choice to accept control, negotiate, and have their needs met, as well.  A successful D/s relationship should benefit both parties and help each to grow.  The dominant's highest goal should be to "exalt her in her submission, and use it to raise her up."  This means that a submissive must have the self-worth to accept that she is worthy of such exaltation.  Cunningham spends quite a bit of time considering how submissives have a responsibility to care for their own needs and should not use submission as a self-punishment or as an excuse to let someone else think and act for them.  I like her personal examinations of her own insecurities and how her Master would remind her that, since he deserved the very best, and since he chose her, she must be worthy of his attentions..."I know that the better I am, the more I have to offer Master.  The more I grow, the bigger I become intellectually, emotionally...the more I have to offer him.  I do what I do as much for myself, of course, but it has the benefit of appealing to my nature by pleasing Master also."  This focus self-improvement and self-fulfillment appeals to me, because I think it is important that we not lose ourselves in submission, but rather find ourselves.  Sometimes a dominant needs to encourage his submissive to these ends...maybe even demand them...because he knows that it is what is best for both himself and his girl.  But as much as a submissive needs challenges to grow, so too does a dominant.  Dominants are not perfect - and communication, another of Cunningham's major foci, is paramount to the success of a D/s relationship.  Submissives need to, respectfully, and within the terms of the relationship, voice their concerns and need to be heard by their dominants.  "He needs to know what is happening inside of me so that he can most effectively dominate me...and I need to open myself up and be vulnerable to him so that I can experience the depths of my submission."  Dominants also need to be able to question and seek information in order to improve the fulfillment of their role.  Cunningham posits, "The paradox is that the needs of the master are not, in fact superior to the needs of the submissive.  Rather they share equal importance."

I also appreciate her focus on trust.  "In order for a girl to release her submission into the hands of a dominant, she must know that he is strong enough to hold it, to keep it safe, to lift it up, and not to falter under the enormous weight and magnitude of it.  Additionally, she must know that there is room for her to grown with the relationship.  That knowledge must be proven, not just once, but consistently....this need for proof is not evidence of a submissive's lack of trust; it is a simple human need."  A submissive must trust that her dominant has her best interests in mind and that he will challenge her and push her limits, but that he will also listen to her and consider her fears and concerns when they arise.  According to Cunningham, "The moments when [Master] asks for those things which push me to my limits are the moments when I feel closest to my submission, because I can remind myself that I chose this.  Also, the fact that he is willing, even eager, to ask those things of me, to demand those things of me, reinforces my feelings of being dominated.  It's a visceral reminder to me that I have given up that power, and it's incredibly thrilling.  Likewise, you have the power to choose.  This power is sacred, in the sense that no one can take it away from you without your permission."  Limits, rules, and rituals need to be negotiated and re-negotiated as both parties change and grow.  A contract may be drawn up...but that contract will need to be reviewed occasionally.  In chapter 6, Cunningham lists "the essential elements without which my power exchange relationship would not work....":  ritual, structure (rules and discipline), consistency, strength and humanity, love, stability, growth, active dominance and active submission (which she defines in great detail - to the point where it really becomes another of the books major foci), acceptance, and trust.

Finally, I appreciate her focus on emotional confusion over her own "conquer me" feelings (she defines what this term means in great detail), as a submissive grows and changes, she may question herself and may not fully understand her needs and feelings.  When a submissive encourages her dominant to "conquer her" isn't necessarily a challenge or a criticism of his dominance...but the submissive may not know how to request what she needs or why she needs this.  This can lead to frustration, guilt, and a breakdown in communication.  This may lead to behavior that can be seen by the dominant as disobedience or defiance and "...often results in a punishment cycle, because the dominant sees the disobedience, and moves to enforce his rule....she ends up feeling as though she's failed and is a "bad girl" who deserves to be punished..." because she feels she cannot live up to his expectations.  "Appropriate responses to "conquer me" feelings can really b growth tools as well as reassurances.  Cunningham admits, "I often have 'conquer me' feelings in response to this sense of feeling 'blocked,' because it's as if something in me is saying to Master, 'If you demand it of me, I can let go of this and simply obey you as I truly want to...."  She considers other emotions that can impact a D/s relationship throughout the book...anger, jealousy, insecurity, fear...

This mammoth of a book also touches on the subjects of "super-subby syndrome", punishment and discipline, topping from the bottom, sadism/masochism, scene play, abuse, the 24/7 dynamic, fantasy vs. the reality of D/s, keeping up appearances in vanilla company, and saving failing D/s relationships.

She wraps up the book by pointing out that, "It's easy to say you're a submissive, but much harder to actually be one, and the journey in between is fraught with obstacles....the keys to overcoming those obstacles [are] to accept the challenges and have the willingness to work through them."

I would definitely recommend this to submissives and dominants alike, regardless of their level of experience, though I think it would be most helpful to those just starting out on their D/s journey.  This book was most assuredly worth the price.

Click HERE to buy the book from Amazon.

Thursday, May 16, 2013

e-lust - (Colorless)

featured photo of the month

Photo courtesy of A Penny for Your Dirty Thoughts

Welcome to e[lust] - The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you're looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it'll be here at e[lust]. Want to be included in e[lust] #47? Start with the newly updated rules, come back June 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

~ This Week’s Top Three Posts ~

How to Shave Your Asshole

Tied and Blindfolded

Why Disney is like BDSM

~ Featured Posts (Molly’s Picks) ~

Because you are so beautiful

Suspension of Disbelief

~ Readers Choice from Sexbytes ~

Dildology: The Science of Sex Toys

All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

The Vagina Thief
The Role of Feelings in Swinging Lifestyle
Why I Feel No Jealousy
I Asked SilverHubby to Respond to a Comment
Mastering Masturbation in 7 Steps
The One Where I Face Reality

Sex News, Interviews, Politics & Humor

The Cycle of Change, Simplified
My IMsL 2013 Keynote

Thoughts & Advice on Kink & Fetish

Kink of the Week #5: Roleplay
How To find (and catch) a Male Submissive
How to be a Good female Sub
The Master's Voice
Kink of the Week #5: Roleplay
"S&M: The Dark Side of Gay Liberation", 1975
PolyAnna's Musings: Choosing Revisited
KOTW-Roleplay: W's Perspective
Liberating the Fisherman's Wife
How much realism should be in BDSM erotica?

Erotic Fiction

Sunday Morning
Warehouse 69 Episode 2: The Marquis' Crop
Sunday Morning
Bend Over, Bad Kitty!
Dirty Sexy Money
Lolita Twenty-Thirteen, Part Four

Erotic Non Fiction

My First MMF Threesome
That Smile
What Wet Dreams are Made Of.....
A Good Match
I was a Naughty Girl
Right Here. Now.
I fantasize about blowjobs & being a good girl


Things to Wear – NaPoWriMo
Blood Lust
A poem for Rose
Subby Space


Look at Me!


Wednesday, May 15, 2013

My first orgasm with a man...

He laid me across his lap, face down, as we sat in front of the television. Two college-age kids, staying at my parent's house over the holidays, left to our own devices and privacy, but not allowed to sleep in the same room.  So we figured out a way to discreetly be "naughty" without anyone knowing.  In the dark, by the light of the flickering screen, I lay beneath a blanket, my breasts slightly squeezed between his thighs, and he slipped his hand down the back of my pants, peeling them down enough for me to spread my legs.  He played with my clit, slid his fingers around the outer lips, spread them, and eventually, after he had me good and wet, he slipped a finger inside.

We said little, our eyes glued to the television, keeping up appearances in case anyone walked in.  And I bit my lip repeatedly to keep quiet.

It took quite awhile.  Back then I was hard to get fact - I'd only had orgasms by my own hand.  Sure I'd had sex...but no one had actually brought me all the way home.

For some reason, probably the angle, and the amount of time he was willing to put in, slowly teasing and playing and just generally getting me as wet as possible, I managed to hit that point that told me - this might actually happen.  So, I let down my guard a bit.  I'd always faked orgasms with him...for a number of reasons, but mostly because I loved him and didn't want to hurt his feelings.  I figured I'd get there eventually.  And the sex was fun even without the orgasms, so I didn't feel like I was being cheated really.

He slipped in two fingers and rubbed my clit with his thumb.  I raised my ass to meet him, pressing into his hand and rising onto my knees a bit, giving him better access and myself a more effective position.

He increased the speed and intensity, and my breathing was evidence enough that it was working.

As I felt the tightening begin, my pussy clenching around his fingers and my clit swelling with heat, I bit into his leg to contain my scream.  I wasn't yet capable of the messy orgasms I am now, so I didn't come all over the place...but it was a definite orgasm, and my face flushed not only with release, but with relief and contentedness.  I was 19.  And I'd just had my first orgasm with a man.  Well, technically a man's hand.  But let's not be too critical here.  It was a beautiful moment - that led to a few more occasional orgasms that I didn't have to fake.

Hey, we all have to start somewhere.

This has been a Wicked Wednesday post.  Click HERE to see who else is being wicked.

Sunday, May 12, 2013

My letters to A (annotated version)

I posted this a few days back, but as I could see where the comments were headed, I felt I needed to "re-work" this and clarify a few things.  I think it's easy to just say I'm a crazy bitch here, and leave it at that.  And it's also easy to say Mr. LL is a weak Dom, as well.  But, honestly, neither of those things are true.  We ARE new to this.  And I CAN see how that could be a criticism - that maybe we're too new at it ourselves to be adding a third person to the mix...a person with different dominance needs, say, than I have.

What it comes down to is this.  Mr. LL has always been dominant...even before we decided that we might want to go further down this road and actually try a full-on D/s relationship.  I think it can be hard to go about it this way...and I'd be interested to hear how other feel about it...going from a "normal" love relationship with a D/s flavor to an actual D/s relationship.  It's not like I searched for a Dom online, met up with him, enjoyed a D/s relationship, eventually fell in love, married him, and continued to fulfill my role as sub.  It's more complicated than that, because I AM giving up autonomy, and it IS changing our relationship in a few significant ways.

So, while I may always have had submissive tendencies, I have not always had to just "do what Sir says".  Ultimately, this isn't a matter of Mr. LL not having control over me.  For him to select a second sub, do what he wants with her, and just tell me to suck it up, would go against who we are as husband and lovers.  While he may be my dominant, I am equal player in the decisions that are made that affect our life.  And my feelings are paramount to him.

The best part of this whole situation is that it forced me to face some pretty intense emotions, and in doing so, to figure out that I needed more "dominance" from Mr. LL.  I told him that it was quite possibly the fact that he gave me to much say in this situation that led me down the path of fear.  This was new to both of us.  And so after a long discussion, Mr. LL bought me a notebook and told me to do a few write out my needs and wants and to free write about what I wanted from our D/s relationship.  I did just that.  And I ended up writing about the time in my life I felt the most secure, the most protected.  I wrote about childhood.  I wrote about my father.  Naturally, the next assignment he gave me, after reading that was to research "Daddy" and "babygirl" as they were referenced in the BDSM world.

Now I don't see myself as being overly naive, but really, I thought I knew what I was going to find out.  I didn't expect to be saying, continually, as I read through other peoples' experiences, essays, and definitions, "Hey, that's me!  That's us!  That's what I want."  Another fucking epiphany.

So I completed my "needs" list and explained what it is about the Daddy/little girl dynamic that I liked most.  I'm not into age-play.  I don't plan to wear a diaper or suck my thumb.  For me, for us, it isn't about that.  It's about my head.  I need from him all the same things I needed as a child.  And though we both accept that I am a grown woman, with desires and emotions that a child does not have, the implications for our relationship were clear.  I need foundation, approval, emotional training, guidance, rules, rewards/punishments that I perceive as fair, clear expectations...  And much like a child (and possibly unlike any other kind of sub), I need to know WHY he is doing what he is doing...when I am punished or a rule is set in place (even if it is for his own gratification only) I need to know why.  In our house, with our kids, "because is not an answer" has sort of become a joke.  We honestly feel that way.  For me to respect Daddy, he can't be perceived as arbitrary...lording his power over me just because he can.  I am not a slave.  I do not always do as I am told.  Of course, there are punishments for that - and I expect them most of the time.  If I do not...if I don't know what I have done wrong - or if it is the first instance of wrong-doing - it deserves time and conversation, to add it to the "rules" before I am punished for it the next time.

The best part of this for me, is...I get to relinquish control in a lot of areas.  So, Daddy naturally takes more of it.

We are designing this as we go, based on works for our relationship.  So, I am hoping to avoid criticism for our lack of D/s-ish-ness.  Am I the best sub?  Not yet - because I'm still defining my wants.  Daddy wants to be the best Dom FOR ME - and that entails knowing those things.

As a result, I've changed up my "Dear Sir" site.  As he says...he isn't actually my Sir anymore.  He's Daddy (crazy...I DO remember saying I would never call him that because I found it creepy)...and he is giving his princess homework assignments to get me to reach deeper into my psyche.  You can certainly follow along over there.  Or ignore it as you will.

So, with that very verbose is the post I deleted yesterday:

As promised...this is the email that I composed for A:
I'm not particularly sure how to go about this...other than to apologize profusely and just say what I have to say.  Sorry if I ramble.  I'm a bit heady.
I don't plan to go into great detail about my epiphany (I have done so ad nauseum on my blogs...which are obviously available to you, and I hope you read them).
Last night, I pretty much broke.  But, it was a good thing.  And today, I'm feeling a bit grateful to you.
I've have moved clumsily through almost every emotion since last night - but my initial panic/freak out isn't something that can be quelled in a short amount of time.
I've learned so much about myself and my relationship with Mr. LL through the little amount of contact we have all had.  I've learned more about his needs...and maybe more importantly...more about my own.
It really wasn't until last night that I became truly introspective - questioning what I was getting out of this and what I, personally, wanted.  I was too concerned about his happiness and hurting you.
What it comes down to is I'm not ready for this.  Only recently has Mr. LL become my true dominant.  As I told him today...I haven't even come to terms with my own place in our new dynamic.  It's like I'm learning to ski...I can make it easily down the "bunny hill" and suddenly he's interested in bringing along another person who has more experience at this and I'm supposed to feel comfortable with that...and have fun...and learn...
I'm too competitive for that.  I find myself stupidly and immaturely wanting to be a better sub than you...learning how to please him in a way that will make him disinterested in you.
And that kind of jealousy isn't healthy for any of us.
I have insecurities because I lack knowledge of my role.  I haven't had a chance to yet prove myself as a sub, and I'm already feeling inferior.
That isn't your fault.  You were seeking a single dominant man...and instead - you got yourself mixed up with a married man with an insecure wife who can't seem to voice her own needs and desires properly.
I'm learning.  And I'm sorry.  I'm aware that you are in a vulnerable position...and I have no other words for you than that I deeply regret any discomfort that may have already been caused.
I, however, have to think of myself first this time.  I need Mr. LL to be my Sir.  I do not have the capability to share him at this time.  And it isn't fair to ask you to wait for what may end up being an indefinite amount of time.  Nor do I want the pressure to hurry and "get used to it" for everyone else's sake.
Mr. LL is a wonderful and patient man.  And I don't have any problem making him take his time with me.  But, I cannot and will not ask that of you.

I whole-heartedly wish you the greatest success in finding a proper Sir...who does not have an attachment...and can focus on your needs.  It is an amazing thing to have that.  I am only just beginning to learn just how amazing.

And here's my crazy, bi-polar follow up a day or two later...before I had journaled about my needs and figured out some of the basest thing I wanted from our D/s relationship.  I was pretty much flailing emotionally because I felt a lack of stability and a lack of direction.  But, I submitted my will to Daddy...explaining that I wasn't just going to stop being jealous or can't just beat that out of someone (literally or physically)...but that I trusted him and realized that he knew what was best for me and that he would make sure that I wasn't hurt.  It is his job to protect me and challenge me to try things that frighten me.  So after making that decision, I wrote this email.  Both Daddy and I fully understood that what we were asking was quite possibly unfair...but it is up to her, after all.  I simply laid the ground-work for a possibility.  Did it/does it scare me?  Yes.  But do I trust Daddy to make sure I make it through everything alright?  Yes.

So here's the 2nd email.

Dear A,

Probably, I imagine, an email from me is the last thing you expected.  Especially full of the information I am about to provide.
Mr. LL has given me the assignment of writing to you, for two reasons - first - so he doesn't seem sneaky and underhanded if he contacts you, and - second - so I have to put on paper the things I've been told to soul search about over the past day or so.
I have to admit...the discussions that have been caused by our involvement with you (or, rather Mr. LL's involvement with you) have sparked some major epiphanies for us both.

Anyhow, I don't want to sound wishy-washy or crazy - though I am probably a bit of both...but, I have decided that I am willing to give this a go...again....still - as it has only been a day since I said no.
You might wonder what the hell has made such an impact that I would change my mind so quickly...or at all.
Well, I learned from this that I need Mr. LL to be more of a dominant to me...more than he really thought that I needed.  I need him to just make decisions and challenge me.  He actually had me buy a journal and gave me a writing prompt...and based on that writing prompt had me do some further research.  As a result of that, I'm learning what kind of Dom I need him to be for me and what kind of sub I want to be for him.  With that, of course, comes all of the little nuances that a D/s relationship entails - which are very personalized.
I've investigated and admitted my greatest weaknesses:  jealousy, insecurity, fear...  And I've pinpointed ways to address those...mainly that I need to feel safe, protected, cared for, and that my emotions need to be accepted but also challenged.
In an effort to address that, we started talking about what it is that scares me so much about you being involved with Mr. LL.  Mainly jealousy, your taking time away from me or our family, you trying to take him from me or requiring more from him than I am willing to allow.
But, as I laid out what I needed from him as a Dom, one of the things I need most is for him to coach me through my insecurities and emotions, to prove to me through experience that they are for naught.
He has accepted the challenge...a challenge he hadn't really expected of me.  And which I didn't really know I had myself.  I think I was actually jealous of the domination he was offering you because I wanted it for myself and didn't know it.
He has begun to lay down the ground rules - to take me under his wing...and his hand.
It makes me comfortable enough to accept your existence in his life.  With certain limits.

In an earlier email to you...I posited that I be involved but only through a chaperone-like role.  Mostly because I didn't seek you out...he did.  This is his desire, not mine.  I want to see and have my eyes and hands in everything because it makes me feel safe.
When Mr. LL and I first started swinging, I was afraid I wouldn't be able to handle watching him fuck another woman.  But, it ended up not bothering me a bit.  Then, I stopped caring if he was even in the same room.  Now, there are certain people I wouldn't care if he had sex with at any time, if he let me know first.
Experience is my balm.  The unknown is nothing but fear.

And this is all unknown territory for me.  He is calming my fear, like a good Dom should.  And he is also challenging me to accept things that make me uncomfortable.
You are one of those things.  But, I think you are well worth the risk - if you can accept my insecurities and allow Mr. LL the time to deal with them.  I'm not promising I won't continue to freak out on occasion.  But it is his job to deal with that, not yours.  And our relationship is sound.  Any drama caused is most likely going to be cathartic and lead to evolution.
Mr. LL and I still need to lay down ground rules.  You need to be involved in that.  If you are willing, that is.

She has responded...only with "I still need time to think about it..."  And do I blame her?  Absolutely not.  Would I be afraid to step into a relationship like this one, if I were her...especially if I were a "true" sub and vulnerable?  Yes.

Anyhow, I felt this post needed clarification - more back story - so you could see that a lot happened in my head and in my relationship between the first email and the second.

Saturday, May 11, 2013

Accepting my own submission...

We humans are funny creatures.  We rarely understand each other, and often don't even have a clue about ourselves - mostly because we don't dig deep enough, for a dozen reasons...namely fear and insecurity.

I spend a lot of time in self-reflection.  It's just my personality type.  But, even still, there are things I avoid admitting to myself.

Now, add the dynamic of two people.  Two personality types.  More things on which to self-reflect, and now speculation becomes part of the equation.  Now, rather than being mainly concerned about ourselves...we become intensely concerned with someone else - and their perception of us.

Add the dynamic of three...and you end up with Henry and June...Vicky Christina Barcelona...Fling.  Loads of messy complication.  I'm not saying it can't work...because it can.  But here, in my humble opinion, is how it works.

Person A and Person B must both be completely emotionally solid.  Neither can have trust issues (even irrational ones they can logically wrap their head around - if they exist...there is no ignoring them).  Both must be interested in the addition of a third.  Both must be in on the selection of the third.  Both must be in constant communication about how having a third will impact them.  Both must be concerned about Person C.  Person C must be accepting of Person A's and Person B's established ground rules.  If Person A AND Person B are to be involved with Person C...there must be continual open-dialogue about the shifting dynamics.  If Person A will be with Person C, but Person B will not, once again...there must be continual open-dialogue about the shifting dynamics.  And everyone must be prepared for the cards to become unstable or fall.

After all, we're talking about people here.  And we are heavily emotional beings.

I've learned a lot about myself the last week or so.  And after a very cathartic, rather spiritual sexual encounter with Mr. LL last night - after tears and much unwilling disclosure - I have emptied myself of much pent up anxiety and fear.

And I've admitted a few things to myself.  Things I'm not sure I completely knew about myself...or at least I was ashamed of it enough that I buried it:

I'm seriously and irrationally jealous when I don't know where I stand.
I need Mr. LL to be more in command of me than he is.
I have an irrational fear of loss.
I do not trust other women...especially when it comes to my husband.
I feel guilty about all of this.
I fear being resented for not allowing Mr. LL his sexual freedom.
I fear resenting him if I do.
I love Mr. LL in a painful sort of "I cannot breathe without you" sort of way...though I truly don't see it being a co-dependent sort of thing - more a heavily spiritual one.

Something broke in me last night.  And maybe not in a bad way.

Mr.  LL let me read (as is our usual practice) an email exchange between himself and A. (a prospective "Person C'/2nd sub").  I freaked out, to say the least...but it's not my irrational, crazy reaction to a pretty innocuous letter that is's Mr. LL's reaction to my freak out and my reaction to his requests.  In the past...a few beers in...pissed off...I'd slam a door, walk away, say something intentionally hurtful.  I'd lash out or close down.  He would've pressed the issue...cornered me.  It would have ended badly.  Not that we fight often, because we really don't.  I can count them - the real ones - on one hand.  But they were epic.  And stupid.

No, last night - the scene played out so differently.  And it had everything to do with our changing (or should I say, blossoming) power dynamic.  He's always been dominant...but it is only recently that we have put a name to it - taken on roles - started exploring and defining our places and expectations.  My first perception was that his dominance would simply be to take me roughly and powerfully during sex.

But, as anyone with any experience with D/s already knows - that isn't what it is about.  And I'm coming to terms with that in a really eye-opening, soul-searching way.  I'm learning more about myself and my husband that I every thought possible.

So, back to the "freak out"...

Mr. LL stopped me, calmly.  I had jumped off of the couch, physically removing the item that had elicited this immediate reaction of jealousy and anger.  He stopped me, and rather than arguing or walking away.  I stopped.  I breathed in and out slowly and deeply.  It was a definite flight or fight moment - much deeper probably than the email I read warranted, but the email was simply a symbol of something eating at me from within.  And it chose that particular time to take a painful bite that sent me reeling.  With the wisdom and patience of an expert, he asked just the right questions to begin extracting the truth from me.  And rather than clam up and refuse, I tried.  I sought the words that were willing to come, and I gave them to him - eventually collapsing in his lap in tears.

When we went to bed, I was mentally and emotionally exhausted.  I just wanted to curl up and sleep and forget the entire conversation.  But, that is the problem with moments like this...they can't be swept under the rug.  They're out there...forever.

He crawled in beside me and turned me toward him for a good night kiss...and my entire body suddenly cried out for him...with a frightening need.  I was powerless to it and I began to devour his lips and tongue hungrily.

He fucked me...not in the "hey, baby, this is great fun" sort of way...but rather in the "this act is sustenance and breath and life and faith" sort of way.

Four or five body shattering orgasms in a row after such an intense exploration of my soul - putting it all on display - basically baring every little weakness and therapy issue I have - can do that to a person.

When I came, it unleashed a flood of emotion, and my body filled with a numbing opium-like euphoria.

Mr. LL knew what would happen as a result.  I had just hit a deep low, followed directly by an intense high, the obvious reaction would be to drop again, once the endorphins slowed.

This morning...I did just that.  But, sitting in a pool of lethargy and depression, I had an epiphany...I realized that I want more from our D/s relationship.  And no, I don't want to be the kind up sub that A. promises to be.  But, I have yet to define the kind I want to be...yet to have Mr. LL show me the kind I can be.  I need to be his focus.  And though I feel in my blood how cherished and loved and wanted I am - my new role daily exposes new and unknown insecurities.  Of course I process them and come out the other side a stronger person for it...which is a major benefit of the D/s relationship....Mr. LL is a perfect Sir in that regard - constantly pushing me to be better for myself, to open myself, to know myself so that he can truly and completely own me.  And while that might sound needy and sad to some, I'm hoping my audience here can understand that kind of need...that kind of healing exposure to another person.  (I have to say...and I will have to explore this in future post...I wonder what the dom gets out of - because it seems unfair that the sub gets all the guidance and leadership and catharsis.)

I'm an only child...raised by a military father.  We don't discuss our feelings.  We bury shit.  We carry on.  We face life and trust no one.  We support ourselves and rely on ourselves and find weakness in those who do not.

And maybe that is why I resist my own nature so avidly.  Because it goes against so much of what I have been taught.

Mr. LL is slowly stripping away years of indoctrination.  He's had to do it before - force me to see that my perceptions were horribly wrong and that to be healthy I would have to expose myself and ask for someone's help.

Right now...that is what I am him.  Exposing myself and asking for his help.  Asking for him to guide me.  Asking for him to focus all of his energy on me.  On my knees.

I am ready to give myself completely.  And I guess I have to thank A. for that.  Without her presence...the implications of her entrance into our relationship, I don't think I would have come so quickly to this conclusion.  I don't think I would have faced my insecurities in such a blunt and cathartic fashion.

I am truly sorry that she may have been hurt in this.  I find myself thinking...if only we had met her years down the road, when I was comfortable and my role as a sub clearly defined.  But, doesn't work like that.  And's her presence now that is the blessing.  I thank her for that.

And I thank you...readers...for reading and supporting and experiencing this transformation with me.  My up-and-down, bipolar reactions to the world of sex (hell, the world in general) are confusing enough to me - so I can only imagine how crazy I must look to people who don't even know me.  One day I write about how I can't wait to try something.  Two days later I write about how it repulses me.  A month or two down the line, I'm addicted to it.

I guess I could apologize for that.  But then, it's who I am.  And it'd be a shame to apologize for being myself- neuroses, therapy issues and all.

Next up...that long overdue letter to A.  I will be emailing her - but I plan to post it here, too.  She is worth it.  And she deserves to be told.  Mr. LL will be speaking with her in person to be sure that she understands this is about me, our relationship...not her.

Click HERE to link to the related ""Dear Sir," post.

Friday, May 10, 2013

There's nothing quite like the first time...

Keyword:  Disclosure
Word limit:  200 (damn that was hard)
Extra Credit:  Share your real number (I think...somewhere between 15-20?)

He set money on the nightstand, as she lay back, spreading her legs, looking up at him with calm eyes that belied the knots of anxiety in her belly.  He hovered above her as her hands reached between their bodies to unbuckle his belt, his cock bulging to the brink of splitting his zipper.  Leaning back on his heels, he allowed her access to the front of his jeans, which she  peeled down in quick and expert fashion.  He pushed her back, shoved her skirt up and plunged in hard and fast, making her squeal in surprise and pain.  Just a few thrusts was all it took.

He stood up, pulled on his pants, buckled his belt, repositioned his rumpled black cowboy hat on his head, tipped it in her direction and said, "Thank you kindly, Miss," before he slipped out the hotel room door.

She wondered if he could tell he was her first...come and gone so quickly he hadn't even taken his scuffed up boots off.  It wasn't the time to disclose such a fact, when politely propositioned by a dimpled smile, white teeth too perfect for his faded denim and dirty white tank top.

I love it when he comes...

Well, first I must apologize for setting up the expectation of a post last night and then breaking that promise.  But, I'm not sorry for the reason why.

See, Mr. LL has been away since last weekend at training a few hours away.  Lucky dog has been staying in our lovely trailer right at the edge of a beautiful lake, 50 feet from the boat dock.  On Wednesday, he suggested I drive down Thursday after work, and call in sick Friday.

So I did.  I'm nothing if not a good follower of instructions that benefit me.  I dropped of the young'n at grandma's, packed up the dog, and drove 2 hours.  Spent the earlier part of the evening just drinking beer and enjoying the fabulous weather and the view, dog at my feet, knowing I had permission to completely empty my brain.  There really is nothing more relaxing that camping for me - okay...maybe a massage.  Fresh air, quiet, and a whole lotta green.

Needless to say (but I will...cause that's what this blog's about), after being apart for 5 nights, we were in great need of each other.  The intention really was (after dinner and couple glasses of wine - I should have known) to get it out of our systems and still provide me time to write.  But.... get it.

And, because Mr. LL can just go and go (sometimes to his chagrin), we did just that.  Unfortunately, and to my expected disappointment, he didn't come.  It's really the crowning glory for me...the final great satisfaction of sex - and I'm not fully satiated until his filled me with his warmth.  But, I curled into him, tired and swollen and sore, in a gigantic wet spot of my own creation (I don't know how the man can make me come like that - cause he's the only one who's ever done it), and fell asleep to the promise of an early morning wake-up call of his face between my thighs and my cunt filled to overflowing.

He delivered.  Obviously better at keeping his promises than I am.

His tongue feather light on my still-sore and swollen pussy (he did a number on me last night), I grew more and more needful for him to simply turn me over and do what ever he needed to get off.  Sometimes I love it when he just uses me that way.  My face buried in the pillow, his balls slamming against my clit, I reached my hand between my thighs and touched them.  Not long after, his quiet moan gave way to my thoroughly pleased smile, as I felt him gush into me.  When he pulled out, I remained, ass in the air, waiting to feel him drip out of me.  I love the feeling of it washing over my throbbing and overly sensitive clit.

So, now...he is off at training and I have been left behind to shower, enjoy my morning coffee in the sunshine, and write a long, drawn-out excuse for not posting as I promised last night.  And it was HNT, too.

I am "planning" on writing an FFF post tonight...and I am still planning and writing a post solely for A (of course you all get the benefit of looking into my glass house).

Anyhow, I am off for now, to enjoy my morning reading dirty stories that I will later review for you.

Have a great day!

And thanks for all the compliments on the new site took me awhile to get here - and I'm pretty pleased with it myself.  Especially the header and the color-scheme.

Here's a little glimmer...I am sometimes a fan of basic white...fresh...clean...and ready to mess up...

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Would you say no to a threesome?

First of all...I'm exhausted.  Can't really divulge any of the "work" details, as that would give my occupation away - but suffice it to say - the past few weeks have been nothing but performance evaluations, and I've had it up to here with unmotivated inferiors pissing and moaning about having to do their share.

That said...tonight's post may fall flat because of it.

But, here goes -

So the Wicked Wednesday prompt this week is:

I've thought long and hard about this prompt.  It's so wide open it could go so many ways...and I've had a really hard time trying to narrow it down.  But, as I'm currently sorting through something that might work within these parameters, I'm just going to stick with some personal experience.

Over the past few weeks, I've written here and there about a current "opportunity" (as Mr. LL puts it) that we are trying out.  And as I have the permission to continue writing about it (though all parties involved read this blog), I'm going to take advantage of an open-minded and possibly more experienced audience.  And maybe, just maybe, my own thoughts about it will help someone else.  I know that I love reading other peoples' experiences as a way to understand some of my own.

So, here it is (and you'll understand the connection to the prompt soon).

Mr. LL is well-seasoned connoisseur of Craigslist personals.  Mainly he reads them for entertainment purposes, occasionally calling my attention to a particularly heinous ad or subject line.  But sometimes he finds things he's actually interested in.  Occasionally, he responds to ads, simply to converse.  And because I am not nearly as entertained by this hobby as is he, he refrains from sharing every contact he makes.  In general, he's in charge of email communication and initial set ups for meetings between us and other couples that we may want to hook up with.  But recently, there have been a few instances where my reaction has been negative...eliciting a pretty quick "No" from me in response to his suggestions.

Just recently, he contacted a single woman.  After communication had been established, he brought me in...showing me the two or three emails that had passed between them.  She was looking for a single man, someone to dominate her, someone to provide her with the firm hand (literally) that she desired.  He let her know, up front, that he was not single, but that, if she was willing to try a couple to reply.  When she did, and proved once again to sound sensible, intelligent, and interested, it was time to bring in the wife.

My initial reaction was basically - WTF?  When have we ever talked about this?  Haven't I told you I don't want a "girlfriend" (he would love it if I did) and that I don't want him to have a "girlfriend" (I'm way too jealous for that).   But, I had to admit, that her email was nice.  She really did seem like our kind of people.

Still, my hackles were up, I was already on the defensive, and I - emotionally - wanted nothing to do with it.  I was also a little peeved that he'd made the contact in the first place, as we had conversed several times about a 2nd female and I had said no every time.

But, my guess is, he contacted her without motive or agenda - without any real thought as to where it might lead.  I'm going to make a sexist comment was a total guy move - innocent enough, but made without thinking of the consequences if it actually panned out.

Anyhow, he asked (as is the norm) if he could contact her again...if I was willing to at least check it out.  My lips said yes.  My mind screamed no.

And then my mind started playing tricks on me, as it is wont to do.  It's no secret that I enjoy women...usually more in the sexual way than any other.  Women make me nervous, and I tend to trust them less than I trust men.  I'm not sure what the psychology is behind that, but there it is.  Against my better judgement, I started considering the possibilities.

Eventually, after a few emails, Mr. LL asked if I'd be willing to meet with her.

No. No. No.  "Okay..." I said.

I was honestly an anxious mess the whole day before we went out with her - feeling a mixture of social dread and intrigue.

Basically, I just couldn't wrap my brain around how this was going to work...or really even what everyone expected.  Of course I've had three-way fantasies, but I'd never actually hashed out the logistics of the day-to-day involvement.

So, I panicked.

We did meet her.  And it actually went very well.   She was pretty and smart and sweet...and seemed quite a bit more submissive than me (which I suppose put me at ease a bit - what with my territorial/possessive nature).

But the next day, I panicked more - in a much deeper and less constructive way.  My emotional brain ate away at my logical brain and I found myself saying - No...this cannot continue.  I don't think I can handle this...and no, I don't want to talk about it.

Mr. LL is as expert as they come at dealing with my emotional "freak outs".  I really don't do it that often...but I'm really horrible at accepting any sort of change.  Pretty much, my answer is no anytime it looks like it might effect my well-established, comfortable norms.  I know, boring, right?

Anyhow, after being fairly firm about my "not wanting to talk about it...back off and give me some time to process this" - I decided that if this was going to work (and really, I do want to give it a go...even if it is just for Mr. LL's sake), I was going to have to take it into my own hands, and make it happen in a way that made me the most comfortable...much as our "swinging" adventures have happened.  I basically call the shots when it comes to this sort of stuff.  Not because I'm in charge (quite the contrary), but because Mr. LL respects my comfort and doesn't want me to "take one for the team" or give in just because he wants something.  And I don't, really.

I do think he needs "extra on the side" more than I do.  I could probably manage living a "vanilla" life just fine - with a few slip-ups (it's that damned red wine).  But, Mr. LL has it in his bones - the need to explore and experiment...and I'd really be doing him a disservice to just say no and leave it at that - without ever taking the time to even consider that change can be a good thing (no matter what my emotional brain tries to tell me).  It's not always "worst case scenario"...though I tend to catastrophize (I think I made that word up) and assume things are going to go to shit no matter what.  (Good lord, the more I write about this the more I sound like a pessimistic bitch - and really, I'm not.)

So, I laid down the ground rules.  I emailed her and let her know how I felt, why I felt that way (basically everything I am writing here), and what I expected to make this work.  It came down to this - my role would be much like a "chaperone".  He could dominate her, have sex with her, basically anything he wanted, as long as I was there.  There's more to it than that, but I won't go in to any great detail.  Suffice it to say, I just wanted her to know that in order for me to be comfortable, I had to set boundaries and explain expectations.  Of course, everything is subject to change.  And I am open to that.  Mr. LL is very upfront...he cc's me on emails or lets me read them...his cell phone/texts are open to me at all times...I know all his passwords and have the freedom to follow his conversations whenever I want.  It's a large part of why I'm willing to try this.

I tend to over think things (surprising, huh?), and then when I'm in the moment - I end up contradicting the hell out of myself and doing everything I said I wouldn't.

For now, the ball is rolling.  And my "no" has lost its emphasis.  I definitely have a long way to go before I feel really comfortable (if I ever do).

I have to remind myself, though, just how terrified I was when I walked into my first swingers club.  I had no idea what to expect.  I didn't know how to go about any of it. But, now it's just another fun option on our list of things we can do with each other.

This is really no different.  My logical brain knows that.  My emotional brain is a bit delayed.  It takes awhile to catch up.

More than anything, it's about trust.  In fact, I invited this woman to have dinner, just the two of us, so I could work on that without Mr. LL being there to watch me expectantly.  It's like my writing...I don't want anyone reading over my shoulder or reading my work before I'm ready to share.  Right now, I'm most interested in getting to know her on my terms...putting us on equal footing...discussing what our boundaries and roles might be.  That way, when Mr. LL joins in, I have a better sense of who I'm dealing with and can feel that we (her and I) are more of a team - working in tandem to satisfy the same man in different ways.

P.S.  Tomorrow's post will be for "this woman"...whom I will henceforth stop calling "this woman"...but for the protection of her anonymity, I will simply call her A.  This will be The Story of A, rather than The Story of O.  I think it is important that she be treated with respect and dignity.  She is not just the subject of my writing...she is a person.  A person whom I am considering letting into a very exclusive club.  The interview process might be a bit brutal...but hopefully it will be worth it for everyone.  So, stay tuned...and sweet dreams.

This has been a Wicked Wednesday post.  Click HERE to see who else is being wicked.

Monday, May 6, 2013

Two's company...three's a...?

Link:  New poem...posted on "Dear Sir,"

I'm grappling with a whole new world of possible experience...

I've been with a man.
I've been with woman...being watched by two men...
I've been with two men and another woman.
I was even once with a woman, being watched by her husband, while I periodically looked over and watched my husband fuck a "unicorn".  (I have to laugh order to find a link to the definition, I just learned there is such a thing as The Swinger Dictionary online - crazy.)

However, I've never been with one man (namely my husband) and a single woman.

Oh, I know...what's the difference?  Right.  One body...two bodies...a whole swarm of bodies - it's all good, right?

I wish it were that simple.

But, I'm warming up to the idea.  I love my husband.  He loves me.  I trust him.  He has my best interests at heart.  I like women.  No, really...I like women.  But, I don't know how I'll feel watching (or even being involved - what exactly do I do?) him dominate and have sex with someone else?  Hmmmm...

I suppose there is really only one way to find out.  Until then, it's just speculation - which is never the way it turns out in reality.

Luckily...the lines of communication are open three ways...and this is new to all three of us.  That sort of gives me comfort.

I'm not big on new.  Or change.  But, once I'm there (and a few glasses of wine helps)...I can be amazingly receptive.

I'm on the edge of the pool.  I guess it's time to dip my toe in and test the water.